Monday, January 7, 2013

A blog I Never Posted...

***I wrote this blog right after decorating for Christmas and before my Dad passed away. It's been sitting in my drafts for a while now and I just opened it back up. I thought I'd share. It's amazing how the Lord is constantly working in and with the desires of our hearts. I'll be moving to my more permanent residence here in Jamaica tomorrow. This will allow me more consistent wifi access. Things are going great. Baby H has a name now. It is Alexander, and he'll go by Alex. My dad had no brothers or sons, and my maiden name, as some of you know, is Alexander. I thought this was a great way to honor my Dad. The name Alexander means helper, and defender of mankind. I'm very excited to see what God has in store for this sweet boy. Great things, I'm certain. 

I wasn't going to do it, but then I decided to. After that, I decided not to.

Then I went ahead and did it anyway.

What is it that I did, then didn't do, then ultimately did, you ask?

Well, I hung a stocking for our baby.

 It felt a bit silly at first, then it felt a bit sad. By the end of my tumultuous over analysis, it felt perfectly appropriate.

I hung that stocking with faith and expectancy. Not that I'm expecting to be a momma before Christmas, but I am believing that it will happen exactly when it's supposed to.

As David said in scripture, "I've pitched my tent in the land of hope." Amen.

Last week, Adam and I put up all of our Christmas decorations. They consist of a hodgepodge of handed down items given to me by various family members. We have several of our own handmade childhood ornaments on our tree.

I can't wait to hang ornaments made by Baby H.

I love the holiday season. This year will be unique, and certainly sad. There will be two significant voids at our Christmas table this year. One void who had been at that table for years and years, and one who has never graced the table with their presence. My stepfather, Chuck, and our sweet child.

The absence of someone that you have a rolodex of memories with is difficult. It's hard, and we'll need lots of prayers.

The absence of someone that you long so desperately to make memories with is something I've never felt before. We're in uncharted territory. It's the whole missing someone you don't know phenomenon that has become a constant lingering on my heart.

I'm convinced that God has already made us parents, we just don't have our baby yet.

We haven't heard anything from Jamaica. I'm planning to call and check on our status next week.

Until then, we wait prayerfully.

We have been so uplifted by the prayers, comments, encouragement, and support. There are a lot of things we have felt on this journey, but one thing we have never felt is unloved.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Joy Comes in the Morning...

I haven't blogged lately.  I've been intentionally technologically distant. My brain has been processing things my fingers weren't ready to type.  My family experienced another tragic loss. My dad died suddenly. This left most of my family shocked and swirling in one of the worst cases of deja vu anyone could imagine.

Funeral, family, casseroles, sadness, questions, flowers, small talk, mingling...

Not again. No, this is not happening.

That was the majority of my thought process during the duration of the last month.

My dad took his own life. He did this for reasons I will never understand. I've realized an unavoidable truth that I will have questions at the age of 26 that I will still have at 96.

The Friday morning before we went back home after my father's funeral I caught a headline of the Connecticut tragedy and my heart sank. I still cannot speak much regarding my thoughts and feelings on this matter because it makes me physically nauseous.

Needless to say there were some hard moments.

Our family went through the motions at Christmas. We worshipped at the Christmas Eve service, Adam even played his guitar and did great. We opened gifts and shared meals, all the while feeling an indescribable void.

Little did I know, the same year that I would lose both of my dads, my husband would become one.

You read that right.

We've identified a child in Jamaica. It's a little boy and he's 3 months old. He's beautiful and perfect in every way!! We will be leaving for Jamaica on Thursday (yes, tomorrow!) to begin caring for him. Adam will stay for awhile, but then he will need to return home to work. I will stay in Jamaica while the courts are processing the adoption. We don't have a clear timeline on how long this process will be, but we will do whatever it takes.

We are still reeling in the amazing blessings and provision that the Lord has provided. I feel like I've been living in the book of Acts for the last few days. Amazing people who have given resources, encouragement, blankies, hugs, prayers, etc. These people are personifying the early church without thinking twice, and I am forever grateful.

We're not releasing too much information at the moment, mainly because the adoption is not finalized and we're not on the island yet. However, I wanted to let everyone know the latest news. We have walked this journey step by step with so many of you. You've laughed with us, cried with us, ran with us, and so much more.

Now is the time to CELEBRATE WITH US!

Please continue to be in prayer for a smooth and expeditious process while we're there, pray for us as we have to be separated so soon after becoming a family, pray for safe travels, please pray for healthy attachment and bonding to occur as we begin caring for our boy. We're also continuing to pray for our child's birth mom. We both had the opportunity to speak with her. I told her that my gratitude to her will be eternal. She made a selfless decision that is directly related to the deep love and commitment she has for our child. This decision will forever make me a Momma. This decision will make us a family.

Adam and I (finally!) got to go on our long awaited shopping trip to Target. I soon realized I have little to no self control as it pertains to adorable little boys clothes.

Oh, this child is so incredibly loved and I pray that he can feel it although we're oceans apart. I can't wait to be there and meet my son. I can't wait to hold him! Oh, that moment will be so overwhelming. Praise God for going ahead of us and leveling the mountains! (Isaiah 45:2)

We serve a mighty God. Adam and I are so blessed.

*This trip is not without risk, nothing in the adoption world is. We are stepping forth in faith believing that God will complete what he has started.