Wednesday, November 4, 2015

On Fear & Faith

My baby turned two yesterday, y'all. I didn't even take to the internets to mourn because I was still processing. And now he is two years and one day old. He's practically three. It's all moving too fast!

Okay, enough hyperbole.

I spent all day yesterday remembering the day he was born. The anticipation, the joy, the preparation, the gratitude....and the fear.

the fear.

I flinch when I look back to two years ago and remember the fear. The feelings flood back so quickly, it takes my breath away.

This was the first time I held you.

I cannot look at this picture without tears. I remember looking at him and thinking how perfect and precious he was. I remember awkwardly introducing myself as "mommy" even though the words felt foreign and uncomfortable.

The JOY thick in the atmosphere, as well as the paralyzing fear creeping into the spaces left unguarded in my mind.

I hate (and I don't use that word often) that fear robbed me of experiencing the fullness of joy that God had for me in that moment. I was so afraid that something would go wrong. That someone would take him away from me. I was terrified that I would end up with a broken heart. I allowed the fear to penetrate so deeply that my guard was up. I was robbed.

I'm here today to encourage you. To challenge you.

Fear and faith cannot occupy the same space. You MUST choose one over the other. They are mutually exclusive. You must shift your gaze actively. I do this by connecting to my breath and the Giver of my breath through unceasing prayer. Now, there is such thing as healthy fear, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about healthy fear.

 I'm talking about the encapsulating fear that is no holds barred when it comes to embezzling joy from an over-the-moon joy worthy moment! The JOY LARCENY!

Yesterday, Adam and I got the word that we are officially a waiting family. (YAY!)

After getting the news, I felt that familiar tinge of fear once again. I immediately took a deep breath and remembered my fear & faith mantra. I then celebrated the FULLNESS of joy that was meant for us in that space in time.

No longer will I  choose fear. (it is a choice!) I will step out in FAITH knowing that the Creator of the Universe has GOT me!

He's got you too, friends.

What is it that causes you fear? Is it the unknown? Losing a relationship? Finances? Trusting?

Take a deep breath now, and give it away. Give it to The One who asks to carry your burdens. His yoke is easy. (Matthew 11:30) Choose faith.

Now, a gushy ode to my toddler:

You are a light. You are fiercely loved. You make strangers smile everywhere we go. Your name means laughter, and it couldn't be more fitting. You are strong-willed, which I know will serve you well in this unapologetic world. I am so proud of you. It brings us such joy to watch you grow and learn. Your Daddy delights to teach you, and I adore to nurture and love you. You have been our greatest challenge and adventure. I cannot wait to see what your future holds, and I can't wait to see you shine. I have no doubt that this year will be wrought with challenges that only ones "two's" can bring...but I will delight in each moment with the gratitude that you are forever ours.

You are going to be a fantastic big brother. We love you baby boy!


Our first family photo