Saturday, April 20, 2013

Mommy for a Moment

Before we ever began this journey we started clinging to Proverbs 13:12 which says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.” It is important that everyone knows that our Hope is still in Christ, and we praise Him for a longing fulfilled, even if it was just for a moment.

Yesterday I went to a meeting that was called by Alex’s birth father. This was odd to me because he never showed an ounce of interest in communicating or connecting with us or Alex since we’d been caring for our son on the island. He didn’t mention what the meeting was about, but for some reason I had a pit in my stomach. I prayed and prayed. I prayed so hard I thought my tears would turn to blood.

I am brokenhearted to say that Alex’s birth father informed me that he had changed his mind, and would be taking Alex with him that day.

What happened next is a blur of the worst minutes of my life. I just remembered saying, “Why?” and “Please don’t do this.” We had been caring for Alex longer than he had. He gave no reason, or even eye contact for that matter.

Did he know that Alex loves the DaVinci Baby Einstein video, or that he doesn’t like peaches, but loves bananas? What about the fact that his favorite blanket needs to be tucked under his right arm and up against his right cheek in order for him to fall asleep? There is no way he knows that the best way to make Alex laugh is to play peek-a-boo or blow bubbles.

No, he knows nothing like that. Nor did he ask. He just took my son and began walking down the road. Alex was crying uncontrollably, as was I.

It feels like a kidnapping. It feels so, so wrong.

There is nothing we can do about it to fight it in courts, there is no legal document that states exactly how ours he is in our hearts.

I flew home yesterday. I spent the first half of the flight with the intention of googling procedures that take away memories. I just wanted to forget everything so the pain would stop.

Then, I spent the second half of the plane ride in grateful desperation for the memories and experiences that my son brought to my life. He taught me so much about compassion, selflessness, and the love of a mother.

Before the birth father took him from me I held him tight against my lips and prayed over him. I prayed that God would hold him close, and guard his steps. I prayed strength, grace, and favor over his life. I promised him that I would pray for him every day until the day that I died.

And I will.

The hardest part is that I will always wonder and long to know how he is doing. Is he well fed? Is he well nurtured? It doesn’t seem to me that anyone can ever love him as much as we do.

I don’t know if I ever blogged this fact, but Alex and I share the same birthday.

I will never have another birthday when I don’t reflect on the fact that my son is another year older.

How desperately I will long in that moment to see him! To see how he’s grown. I can’t tell you how many days in Jamaica I would sit and watch him play and just imagine who he would become.

I spent some hard and lonely days just dreaming of how sweet Christmas mornings would be when we finally got him home, or scanning Pinterest for themes for his first birthday.

I believed and I prayed! I claimed the promise of a longing fulfilled in Jesus name.

Now, I find myself lying in the pieces of what might’ve been. The extent of my broken heart appears to be irreparable. I gave up my life to become a mommy.

I arrived home yesterday evening to be with Adam. His shock and grief is a mirror image of mine. We sat in our living room surrounded by the same loud silence that reminded us of why we longed for baby giggles and footsteps.

We need your prayers. We have no idea where to go from here. I suggested we move or take a trip? He essentially reminded me that our hearts go with us wherever we go.

I have no idea where God is in all of this, but we will not be destroyed. Our faith is shaken, but it will not be moved. I know that He is close to the broken hearted, which means that He must be closer than ever to us now.

I’m not even sure how to ask you to pray, but please do.

I will not regret one single second of loving my son, or the sacrifices I made to be able to do so. I pray that the love we feel for him is sewn into his heart so that he will carry it with him forever.

We thank you, family and friends, for walking this journey with us. We have no idea where it will lead, and we will take time to grieve this loss. We will move forward one step at a time, and one day at a time.

Just like we’ve always said…Baby Steps.

Thank you for loving us.

Katti & Adam

7 comments:

  1. I love you both. I'm so sorry for the pain.

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  2. Your sorrow is ours as well. Hang in there. I'm going to trust God's plan for all of you. Love you and my prayers and thoughts are with you.

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  3. I am praying for you both and for baby Alex.God knows your heart and hears your cry. Something I learned a long time back,and know you know this- God gives everyone a choice,believer or non believer.His principles have been set into place. When believers hear from God and take action towards His calling and direction in a particular matter, we know we are in obedience. Sadly, when non believers are a part of the 'calling/direction' they too have a choice. I believe the Holy Spirit tries to lead the nonbeliever in to make the choice into God's path BUT they too have the choice. They just don't call upon God for advise. Their choices are made from selfishness and worldly gain. God could have intervened,just like He could have at the cross and kept Jesus from the pain and suffering but He is not a puppet master.I hope I made a bit of sense in all of that. God showed that to me during a circumstance that I knew I had heard from Him in the way to go and things ended up not as I expected. The other person/people had their free will too and THEY missed the mark. This I know will not take the pain away but know beyond a doubt YOU DID hear from God and you were OBEDIENT.

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  4. I wish there was something I could say or do to mend your hearts and ease your pain. You and Adam have such beautiful souls full of unconditional love. Alex will always be in your hearts and you in his; that's something no one can take away. Cherish the memories and don't give up on becoming the fantastic parents we all know you will be. When it's God's will, it will happen.
    I know you both are in a great deal of pain but try to give it to God; give as much as you can to him. I will continue to pray for you and send all positive thoughts your way. If you should need anything at all, please let me know.

    With love - Cordie

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  5. i am so very, very sorry for your brokeness and am praying for you and for him in what must be the most difficult moments of your lives.

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  6. I don't know you, but I ran across this posted on Facebook by my friend Sherri Everett. I read your post and have tears running down my cheeks. I hurt for you and I don't have answers. All I can tell you is to hang on to our Lord Jesus Christ. He knows your pain and loves you and your son, Alex. I will pray for you and Adam. You will be in my heart.

    Your sister in Christ. Brenda

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  7. Still praying for you and for Alex during this difficult time.

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