Mommy for a Moment

Before we ever began this journey we started clinging to Proverbs 13:12 which says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.” It is important that everyone knows that our Hope is still in Christ, and we praise Him for a longing fulfilled, even if it was just for a moment.

Yesterday I went to a meeting that was called by Alex’s birth father. This was odd to me because he never showed an ounce of interest in communicating or connecting with us or Alex since we’d been caring for our son on the island. He didn’t mention what the meeting was about, but for some reason I had a pit in my stomach. I prayed and prayed. I prayed so hard I thought my tears would turn to blood.

I am brokenhearted to say that Alex’s birth father informed me that he had changed his mind, and would be taking Alex with him that day.

What happened next is a blur of the worst minutes of my life. I just remembered saying, “Why?” and “Please don’t do this.” We had been caring for Alex longer than he had. He gave no reason, or even eye contact for that matter.

Did he know that Alex loves the DaVinci Baby Einstein video, or that he doesn’t like peaches, but loves bananas? What about the fact that his favorite blanket needs to be tucked under his right arm and up against his right cheek in order for him to fall asleep? There is no way he knows that the best way to make Alex laugh is to play peek-a-boo or blow bubbles.

No, he knows nothing like that. Nor did he ask. He just took him and began walking down the road. Alex was crying uncontrollably, as was I.

There is nothing we can do about it to fight it in courts, there is no legal document that states exactly how ours he feels in our hearts.

I flew home yesterday. I spent the first half of the flight with the intention of googling procedures that take away memories. I just wanted to forget everything so the pain would stop.

Then, I spent the second half of the plane ride in grateful desperation for the memories and experiences that my son brought to my life. He taught me so much about compassion, selflessness, and the love of a mother.

Before he left,  I held him tight against my lips and prayed over him. I prayed that God would hold him close, and guard his steps. I prayed strength, grace, and favor over his life. I promised him that I would pray for him every day until the day that I died.

And I will.

The hardest part is that I will always wonder and long to know how he is doing. Is he well fed? Is he well nurtured? It doesn’t seem to me that anyone can ever love him as much as we do.

I don’t know if I ever blogged this fact, but Alex and I share the same birthday.

I will never have another birthday when I don’t reflect on the fact that my son is another year older.

How desperately I will long in that moment to see him! To see how he’s grown. I can’t tell you how many days in Jamaica I would sit and watch him play and just imagine who he would become.

I spent some hard and lonely days just dreaming of how sweet Christmas mornings would be when we finally got him home, or scanning Pintrest for themes for his first birthday.

I believed and I prayed! I claimed the promise of a longing fulfilled in Jesus name.

Now, I find myself lying in the pieces of what might’ve been. The extent of my broken heart appears to be irreparable. I gave up my life to become a mommy.

I arrived home yesterday evening to be with Adam. His shock and grief is a mirror image of mine. We sat in our living room surrounded by the same loud silence that reminded us of why we longed for baby giggles and footsteps.

We need your prayers. We have no idea where to go from here. I suggested we move or take a trip? He essentially reminded me that our hearts go with us wherever we go.

I have no idea where God is in all of this, but we will not be destroyed. Our faith is shaken, but it will not be moved. I know that He is close to the broken hearted, which means that He must be closer than ever to us now.

I’m not even sure how to ask you to pray, but please do.

I will not regret one single second of loving my son, or the sacrifices I made to be able to do so. I pray that the love we feel for him is sewn into his heart so that he will carry it with him forever.

We thank you, family and friends, for walking this journey with us. We have no idea where it will lead, and we will take time to grieve this loss. We will move forward one step at a time, and one day at a time.

Just like we’ve always said…Baby Steps.

Thank you for loving us.

Katti & Adam